习作评析

王宇江

【习作题目】

假如你叫王平,是美丽的海滨城市日照的一名导游,将接待一个参加日照一日游的外国旅游团。请你根据下面表格内的信息,在游览前将旅游的相关要求向游客们做简要介绍。

注意:

1.词数:130左右。开头和结尾已为你写好,不记入总词数;

2.参考词汇:海水浴场bathing beach;贝壳shell;国家森林公园;National Forest Park.

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to Rizhao. My name is Wang Ping, yourtour guide today. Ill tell you what we are going to dotoday.

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Hope all of you will have a pleasant day. Thank you.

【说明】以下两篇习作均选自高一学生的考试作文,两个考生的书写非常规范,没出现单词拼写错误,估计用时在25分钟左右。

【学生习作1】

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to Rizhao. My name is Wang Ping, your tour guide today. Ill tell you what we are going to do today. There is no denying that Rizhao is a gorgeous city situated in the south of Shandong Province and Im sure you will be attached to the beauty. In the morning, well go to the National Forest Park to take a walk in the forests and appreciate the birds. Meanwhile, we can take buses to go sightseeing. Fishing is also a brilliant idea and whats more, you can cook seafood by yourself. As for the afternoon, we plan to go to the bathing beach. As we know, what impresses the tourists is swimming in the sea. Its in the seaside that you can swim, pick up shells and enjoy the sunshine. But you should come back at 5.

There are also something you should pay attention to. Firstly, safety is of great importance and then, remember to be on time. Furthermore, the most important thing is not throwing the rubbish everywhere to do damage to the beauty.

【习作点评】

尽管写作时间短,但该习作要点齐全,语言较流畅。较好地运用了语句间的连接成分,如:and,meanwhile,and whats more as for,as we know等。用了firstly, and then,furthermore等词对事实进行列举;运用了较高级的词汇,如:deny,gorgeous,situate,attach,appreciate等;较好地运用了“There is no denying that…,Rizhao is a gorgeous city situated…, Im sure you will be attached to…, what impresses the tourists is… ”等句型。但该习作在一些细节There are also something…(There is…)和句子运用,特别是动词不定式的运用方面还有一些需要改进和完善之处。现简述如下:

1. In the morning, well go to National Forest Park to take a walk in the forests and appreciate the birds.此句中to take a walk in the forests and appreciate the birds改为现在分词作伴随状语就更得体了:…National Forest Park, taking a walk in the forests and appreciating the birds.

2. Meanwhile, we can take buses to go sightseeing.在此句中,take bus手段,所以最好用:Meanwhile, we can go sightseeing in a bus/by bus.

3. Furthermore,the most important thing is not throwing the rubbish everywhere to do damage to the beauty. 此句中to do damage to the beauty不是目的,而是结果。最好改为:…,which will do damage to the beauty of…

【修改后的习作】

There is no denying that Rizhao is a gorgeous city situated in the south of Shandong Province. Im sure you will be attached to its beauty. In the morning, well go to National Forest Park, taking a walk in the forests and appreciating the birds. Meanwhile, we can go sightseeing in a bus/by bus. Fishing is also a brilliant idea and whats more, you can cook seafoods by yourself. In the afternoon, we will go to the bathing beach. As we know, what impresses tourists is swimming in the sea. Its in the seaside that you can swim, pick up shells and enjoy the sunshine. But you should come back at 5.

There is also something you should pay attention to. Firstly, safety is of great importance and then, remember to be on time. Furthermore, the most important thing is not throwing rubbish everywhere, which will do damage to the beauty of the environment.

【学生习作2】

First,we are going to visit the National Forest Park in the morning. Its a wonderful place to walk through the forest watching the lovely birds. Taking a tour bus is an excellent choice as well if you feel tired. And were able to fish there, also, we can cook the seafood we get ourselves. I think it couldnt be better to taste the seafood you cooked, could it?

Well, for the afternoons visiting, well go to the famous seaside called Wanpingkou Bathing Beach. Swimming or diving there must be a forever memory. You can also take a sunshower or pick up shells if youre looking forward to relaxing yourselves or becoming healthier. But remember to come back at five oclock. Dont be late. In a nutshell, take good care of your safety, especially swimming. Please dont throw the garbage anywhere to do damage to our beautiful environment.

【习作点评】

该习作要点齐全,运用了较多的短语,如:do damage to,look forward to, relax yourselves,in a nutshell等;较好地运用了“Taking a tour bus is an excellent choice as well if you feel tired. I think it couldnt be better to taste the seafood you cooked, could it?”等句子。但在词汇运用、语言表达等方面还有一些需要改进的地方,请参考修改后的范文。

【修改后的习作】

First,we are going to visit National Forest Park in the morning. Its a wonderful place where you can walk through the forest watching the lovely birds. Taking a tour bus is an excellent choice as well if you feel tired. And were able to fish there; we can also cook the seafoods we get ourselves. I think it couldnt be better to taste the seafoods we cook ourselves, could it?

Well, in the afternoon, well go to the famous seaside called Wanpingkou Bathing Beach. Swimming or diving there must be an unforgettable experience. You can also take a sunbath or pick up shells if youre looking forward to relaxing yourselves. But remember to come back at five oclock. Dont be late. In a nutshell, take good care of yourself, especially when swimming. Please dont throw garbage anywhere lest it should do damage to our beautiful environment.

Hope all of you will have a pleasant day. Thank you.

【范文示例】

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to Rizhao. My name is Wang Ping, your tour guide today. Ill tell you what we are going to do today. In the morning, we will first visit National Forest Park, where you can take a walk in the woods, enjoying the beautiful songs of birds. Then we will tour the park in mini buses, admiring the beauty of the park. After that, well go fishing in the sea, which will be an unforgettable experience for all of us, because all the fishes we catch will be cooked by ourselves for the lunch.

The whole afternoon will be spent on the bathing beach, where we can swim in the sea, pick seashells, or have a sunbath. We are required to come back and gather here at around 5 pm. Make sure you are safe when you swim. Please be on time and dont throw things about.

Hope all of you will have a pleasant day. Thank you.